It's 12:00 am here. I just got up to go to the bathroom and came back to my bed only to realize that I was about to climb in while still wearing my bathroom shoes. I can feel the homesickness coming on already. There are so many stupid nagging questions about this place that are starting to bug me. How am I really supposed to take out the trash? How do I mail a simple letter? Am I supposed to swipe my T-money card both when I get on and off the bus? How do I read this bottle..am I buying dish soap or laundry detergent? What is morning care, does it work, where can I find some? Why do I have to scream like a mad woman to get my kids to pay attention? What am I doing wrong?
I keep thinking that I want to go home. I really want some things right now..my ferret, my cat, my friends, my family, my car, my clothes, bacon & eggs, meals with forks, milkshakes, weekends on the couch, having everything in English, and blending in. I could get lost in a world of pleasant familiar things. It almost makes me forget how unpleasant things were getting before I left. The daily endless, exhausting job searches. Sitting online filling out application after application for jobs I didn't even want but knew I would need when the time came. Dragging myself through an hour of traffic in the mornings after sleepless nights day after day to get to a job I couldn't stand.
How easily I begin to forget that one evening in early January coming home from work, walking through the back door, and bursting into tears crying and praying to a God I haven't spoken to in a long time. Something had to change. That's the night EC called with the job offer. Now I am in Korea.
I may think that I am homesick and I might say that I am but in truth I am longing for an idea of home that wasn't there. So I can run if I have to but where am I running to? Back to the desperation? No..I don't think so. Instead of "I want to go home" maybe I should be saying "thank you."